The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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