Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
