Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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