Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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