Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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