hell yes lets make some ravioli
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
