mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize