why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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