The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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