Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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