why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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