Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
