I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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