According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
