We won't sleep together?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
