I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
