i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
