Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
