The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize