I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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