Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
