i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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