new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
