i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
