Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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