I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
