Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
