New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
