My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
