Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
