The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
