someone threw a dead crab at me
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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