i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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