left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
