i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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