bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
