I like to think it a success when the cops are called
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
