just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
