Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
