Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
