Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
