We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
