He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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