I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
