Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
