some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
