gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
