FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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