I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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