so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
