My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
don't judge my taste in strippers
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
