Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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