Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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