Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
