i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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