then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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