I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
